Hey, it's pretty bitter! (alkmene) wrote in griefrecovery,
Hey, it's pretty bitter!

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My Gram

Hello everyone. I just joined this community, though I wish I'd discovered it last June. You see, on June 5 2008, I lost my beloved grandma. I'd just spoken to her on the phone the other week, having wished her a happy birthday (she'd turned 88). I even remember boasting to her over the phone, "Ha! I'm the first to wish you happy b-day, Gram!" I told her I was gonna give her a call sometime the next week. Actually, it was on the day that she died that I had planned on calling her. What horrible timing, huh? I felt bad for my eldest sister, who'd been staying over at my grandma's house and had just LEFT on a train that morning to go to New York to visit her boyfriend. She was the last of the grandkids to have seen our grandma alive. Her and Gram were pretty close, and during the past five years or so, Gram and I were becoming good buddies. I mean, there was never any bad blood between us, but because I lived in CA and she was in MD, it was hard to communicate on a daily basis, especially since I worked 40+ hours a week. My boyfriend and I had even made plans to visit Gram during Christmas time because he'd never seen MD/Washington D.C. covered in snow. Plus, he adored my grandma.

Of course, I went through the whole crying deal when I learned of the news. But because of my busy work schedule, I couldn't *really* grieve properly. Like I said, I cried, but at the time I was like, "At least she's no longer suffering." She had Parkinson's disease and had trouble getting around. I moved on with my life - or so I thought.

But then a few weeks later, as I was going through some old binders in my backpack, a piece of paper fell out. It turned out that paper was a letter from Gram. She'd written down this number that came from a telephone card she acquired that had over a thousand minutes or something; and since she couldn't use them all, she had wanted to share those minutes with ME. Now this was way back when, prior to the five years we'd gotten closer. However, seeing her handwriting, and thinking about how she wanted me to call her more often... that made me crack. I just broke down and sobbed violently. The thoughts of never seeing Gram again, the months I missed talking to her had finally hit me weeks later. I blamed myself for not making more of an effort to talk to her or to tell her how much I love her.

I guess grieving can hit us at funny times, no? Even now as I type this, I've got tears running down my face. It's hard to imagine that this coming June it'll be a year since Gram left us. I just hope wherever she is, she isn't suffering anymore and that she's doing okay.
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