ahstbah (ahstbah) wrote in griefrecovery,

A Loss with no Death

She was my friend in first grade, and second grade, and third grade, and she continued to be by friend until two years ago she wasn't.

No one died. There is no body. There was no funeral. No one but me knows she's dead.

I used to tell how she was feeling by how she walked. I used to finish her sentences in my head. I used to play with her cats and climb trees with her and cook Italian food with her. She taught me how to put on mascara. She introduced me to my church and she's dead now and it's terrifying.

"I don't want to be your friend anymore."

I'm the only person who's noticed that she walks different. That she speaks different. That her laugh is different. I'm the only person who's noticed that she wears too much make up and not enough clothes. I'm the only one who's grieving because I'm the only one who knows that she's not there anymore.

Is it okay to grieve? There's no body, but she's dead and I think maybe she took a piece with me. It sounds like angsty teenage crap but I'm scared because eight years of friendship and almost two of pretending I'm over it and i don't know what I'm going to do without it.

Is it okay to grieve?

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