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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Those Who Have Lost's LiveJournal:

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Thursday, October 6th, 2011
9:28 am
Steve Jobs

Current Mood: melancholy
Friday, October 30th, 2009
8:48 pm
When October Goes
One of the great songs of grief.

Saturday, March 14th, 2009
9:15 am

On top of everything I get a letter from my little sister in county jail (just turned 18). She got arrested for sale of heroin, theft, identity theft, credit card fraud and conspiracy to sell.

She's in county jail right now, but they'll be moving her in a couple of months to Federal Prison and she's facing up to 10 years.

She's had a really tough life and has been living on the streets since she was 14 (when our dad died).. so if anyone feels up to sending her a postcard or a letter to cheer her up, and let her know she's not alone, or just any sort of encouragement.

Her address of right now is..
Kelly Klika #1766796
11705 South Alameda St.
Lynwood, CA 90262
Module 3100/48 Lower

Xposted a little. I apologize.
Saturday, February 14th, 2009
10:26 pm

Hi, my name is Yael.  My daughter, Adelle Shayna, Shiny for short. (the baby in the picture, wearing the pink hood.) passed away 9 weeks ago tonight.  She was 4.5 months old.  The official explanation is SIDS.
I'm starting to reach out to groups, and most of my social life happens on LJ, so here I am.
We started a kindness project in Shiny's memory.  You can check it out at www.TheShinyProject.com
Tuesday, February 10th, 2009
5:07 pm
My Gram
Hello everyone. I just joined this community, though I wish I'd discovered it last June. You see, on June 5 2008, I lost my beloved grandma. I'd just spoken to her on the phone the other week, having wished her a happy birthday (she'd turned 88). I even remember boasting to her over the phone, "Ha! I'm the first to wish you happy b-day, Gram!" I told her I was gonna give her a call sometime the next week. Actually, it was on the day that she died that I had planned on calling her. What horrible timing, huh? I felt bad for my eldest sister, who'd been staying over at my grandma's house and had just LEFT on a train that morning to go to New York to visit her boyfriend. She was the last of the grandkids to have seen our grandma alive. Her and Gram were pretty close, and during the past five years or so, Gram and I were becoming good buddies. I mean, there was never any bad blood between us, but because I lived in CA and she was in MD, it was hard to communicate on a daily basis, especially since I worked 40+ hours a week. My boyfriend and I had even made plans to visit Gram during Christmas time because he'd never seen MD/Washington D.C. covered in snow. Plus, he adored my grandma.

Of course, I went through the whole crying deal when I learned of the news. But because of my busy work schedule, I couldn't *really* grieve properly. Like I said, I cried, but at the time I was like, "At least she's no longer suffering." She had Parkinson's disease and had trouble getting around. I moved on with my life - or so I thought.

But then a few weeks later, as I was going through some old binders in my backpack, a piece of paper fell out. It turned out that paper was a letter from Gram. She'd written down this number that came from a telephone card she acquired that had over a thousand minutes or something; and since she couldn't use them all, she had wanted to share those minutes with ME. Now this was way back when, prior to the five years we'd gotten closer. However, seeing her handwriting, and thinking about how she wanted me to call her more often... that made me crack. I just broke down and sobbed violently. The thoughts of never seeing Gram again, the months I missed talking to her had finally hit me weeks later. I blamed myself for not making more of an effort to talk to her or to tell her how much I love her.

I guess grieving can hit us at funny times, no? Even now as I type this, I've got tears running down my face. It's hard to imagine that this coming June it'll be a year since Gram left us. I just hope wherever she is, she isn't suffering anymore and that she's doing okay.

Current Mood: content
Monday, January 26th, 2009
3:46 pm
It has been over 40 years since my daddy died and I found myself crying over him this morning. I still miss him. I was praying my rosary and got to the part "... and lead all souls to heaven.." then thought of him and the tears just came streaming down.

I was just barely 20 years old when he passed away, and now I am 60. He was just 44, and died of lung cancer. He never knew I had twins, a boy and a girl. They are fine people, 36 years old now. He would have loved them so much. He was a good man.

I still miss you and love you, Daddy. I will see you in Heaven.

3:21 pm

I think this week will be harder than I thought.
I was so numb before, but now I'm very far from being numb.
I haven't cried in weeks, over anything.
I know it's okay to have emotions. I'm allowed to cry over her.
I'm allowed to miss her again.
I don't have to push it away for a couple of days.
I'm allowed to mourn, once more.
It all starts tomorrow.

This is so hard, already.


Current Mood: Discontent
Friday, January 23rd, 2009
11:41 am
A year ago today, you were alive.
But a year ago a week from now, you weren't.
That's so hard for me to grasp. Still.

I've changed so much since you died, since Alex & I fell apart, since I left Spokane to go to college, & since Alex & I completely lost contact.
I feel like this time last year I wasn't even this person.
A year ago today, my life was normal.
A year ago today, my world hadn't yet been turned upside down, & I hadn't yet felt all that pain that propelled me to where I am today.

I survived. I'm at a university; my dream school. I'm happy. I'm confident.
But it took me so long to get here.
It feels like it's been an eternity.
I never thought I would survive.
I never thought I would be able to push it away enough to enjoy things again.
To enjoy my life.

I remember the months & months I spent watching people so closely.
Strangers on the street.
Wondering how they were so happy all the time.
How they were single & happy; how they had losses, & were happy.
I learned so much about humans in those long months of being so detached,
& now I'm one of those people.
I'm finally comfortable in my own skin.
I can look at memories of you [& of Alex] & just remember, without the pain.
I can enjoy what was there, & understand why it no longer is.
I never thought I could grow so much, in so little time.
But I can't help but be so proud of myself.

I miss you, Shauna.
Next Saturday is the anniversary of your death.
I'm coming home to be with my friends, so we can grieve together.
I couldn't spend that long day alone in a dorm room.

Next week will be hard. It all starts on the 27th, & ends on the 31st.
It's almost like you died every single one of those days.
But I guess to me, you kind of did.
Once you went into the hospital, you didn't wake up, & you didn't come out.
But I've survived once, & I know I can do it again.

I still can't believe that a year ago today, you were alive.
It makes my heart hurt, kind of wishing I could remember it better.
But it's so blurry in my mind. So far gone.

I miss you.


Current Mood: Remembering
12:23 am
A Loss with no Death
She was my friend in first grade, and second grade, and third grade, and she continued to be by friend until two years ago she wasn't.

No one died. There is no body. There was no funeral. No one but me knows she's dead.

I used to tell how she was feeling by how she walked. I used to finish her sentences in my head. I used to play with her cats and climb trees with her and cook Italian food with her. She taught me how to put on mascara. She introduced me to my church and she's dead now and it's terrifying.

"I don't want to be your friend anymore."

I'm the only person who's noticed that she walks different. That she speaks different. That her laugh is different. I'm the only person who's noticed that she wears too much make up and not enough clothes. I'm the only one who's grieving because I'm the only one who knows that she's not there anymore.

Is it okay to grieve? There's no body, but she's dead and I think maybe she took a piece with me. It sounds like angsty teenage crap but I'm scared because eight years of friendship and almost two of pretending I'm over it and i don't know what I'm going to do without it.

Is it okay to grieve?

Friday, January 16th, 2009
3:27 pm

Hi guys,

I'm working on a documentary about young people who, due to parental loss, have had to assume leadership roles in their families.  If this applies to you and you'd be interested in taking part, please read on.  Thank you for your time.

Are you adapting to a new family situation and the responsibility of raising your siblings that was unexpected? Are you still figuring out how to adjust? Then MTV wants to hear from you. We want to know how you work through all the everyday struggles of being left to take charge because you have suffered parental loss. This show is really about kids who have come together under amazing circumstances to support eachother. If you appear to be between the ages of 18-28 and have 2 or more siblings that you are now the guardian of, then please send us your story and contact information to raisingmysiblings@mtv.com

Thursday, January 1st, 2009
9:20 pm
Shauna Lynn Udell
I remember the Everett band trip, when you & I slept in a corner of the gym by ourselves, staying up until early morning, talking about people & things that bothered us.

I remember art & pottery. Talking about the guys we liked. Making the craziest things we could while still getting the grade. Alex used to skip & stay with us because the teacher never cared.

I remember Sweethearts of '07. The year we all had dates. It was Alex & I's year anniversary

I remember the double date on Christmas Eve with our boyfriends, & our plans to go on more during the summer, when we wouldn't freeze to death walking around downtown.

I remember 6th period in Nelson's room. Alex always skipped & hung out with you. I just 'went to the bathroom' & stayed with you guys for awhile.

I remember the gingerbread man you made of everyone. I wish I knew what happened to it when I packed up & went to college.

I remember the last few days in slow motion:

The Scrambled Egg, Friday night - Alex & I weren't doing so well - I could feel it falling apart. You & your orange converse. You playing with Ariel's pom-poms. Alex & I fought outside after the game.

The Winter Formal, Saturday night - You & Tucker showed up late. You WALKED from your house, in T-shirts, in the middle of January. Tucker wanted to get dressed up - but you said no. You wanted to go casual, & so you did. You were soaked when you got there. I asked to take a picture of you two. Little did I know I would be the one to take the last picture of you alive. I remember Tucker ringing out his socks, & Alex chastising him for not calling us to come & get the two of you. Tucker said something like 'No big deal, I got more time with Shauna'. Little did he know it would be the last time. The last thing I remember you saying was 'I think I'm going to go take my shoes off... my socks are soaked.' Alex & I left soon after you guys arrived [I don't even think we said goodbye] to go fuck in his car so we wouldn't be late getting home. If only we'd have known - maybe we would have staved off the teenage hormones just a few more hours, & spent that time dancing the night away with you.

I had to work all day Sunday, & a huge snow storm blew in. I watched from the windows of Wendys as the snow piled up. Just before getting off, I got a text from Alex saying you were in the hospital. I thought little of it, figuring you'd caught pnemonia from that walk the night before. I cleared off my car & got home soon after. I walked in the door & immediately told my parents you were in the hospital. They didn't think much of it either. They told me the snow was too bad, & I couldn't go. I don't know what got ahold of me then, but somehow I knew; I started crying & yelling & ran to my room.

You were in a coma. Ariel & Alex had made it to the hospital. You had a brain tumor no one knew you had. There was too much pressure on your brain, & they had to drill a hole in your skull to drain the fluid. I remember Ariel calling to update me & sobbing so hard. They couldn't start treatment until you woke up, but if the pressure didn't let up, you might never wake up. I left my phone on ring that night. I waited for you to wake up.

The next day, we got the first snow day in the history of my schooling. Mom agreed to let me go to the hospital with Alex as long as his mom drove us. We arrived at Sacred Heart & Alex led me in the direction of the Childrens Hospital. I remember getting off the elevator & seeing all the bright colors, the fish, the pretty blues & interesting furniture, & being so detached. Your parents were there, & Ariel, & Tucker. They never left your side, not once.

I don't remember how the nurses found out we were there, but in the next instant they were ushering us into your room. You were in PICU, & I vaguely remember wondering why we were allowed in. Either way, I wasn't expecting what I saw. I squeezed Alex's left hand with my right hand & sobbed into his back. I could hardly look at you, let alone stop the crying for long enough to breath. They said you could hear us talking to you, so I tried not to cry - but it was too late. I was gasping for air & trying so hard to wrap my head around what I saw. Half of your head was shaved, your signature fringe bangs were gone. There were tubes coming out of your head, & you looked asleep. You were so cold, & looked so weak. We told you that it was a snow day. Alex encouraged you to wake up so that we could go sledding & enjoy the rest of winter. I just cried. I'm sure I spoke to you, but I remember none of it. We left the room & sat in the lobby with your parents. I sat on Alex's lap, feeling like a little kid in an adults arms after scraping my knee. He comforted me & sometime later pulled out my ipod, having me listen to the song From The Moment I Feel Faint by Relient K. His mom called & we came to say goodbye. Your hand twitched, & Alex was positive you knew we were there, & were saying goodbye in your own way.

We had school the next day, & the day after that, but I was barely there. I went to class, & I tried to focus. 5th period came on Wednesday; I put my stuff in the classroom & tried to tell the teacher that if my phone rang I'd have to answer it, but in the process of telling him, I lost it, & he told me to just go down to the counseling center. On the way to the office, I ran into Lori. We talked about you for a minute, & then her phone rang. After a short conversation, her face turned white & somber & she looked at me. 'You need to get the the hospital right now'. I started screaming & crying, mumbling about my stuff being in my classroom & not wanting to go in there like this. She led me to the office so I could call mom & get excused, & speculated that I should find someone to drive me. I shook so bad as I held the phone & I don't think I ever actually asked my mom if I could come say goodbye to you. I told her that you were dying, & I just cried & cried. Somewhere in this, I saw Alex walking down the hall & I wordlessly pointed in his direction, & Lori went after him. Minutes later, we were in his car heading down the freeway. He was shaken up & pale, but he held himself together while I fell apart in the passenger seat. I called around to everyone I knew that needed to know. We got to the hospital, failing to scrounge up change to pay for parking, & ended up walking what seemed like a mile from the parking spot we found.

They'd moved you to another, larger room. Corey & Krystal were already there, along with Tucker & Ariel & their parents. Loucks was there, & Nelson. Your family was sitting in chair around the edges of the room. There were pictures & mementos littering your bed & body, a giant teddy bear sitting on your feet - the one you'd gotten Tucker for some holiday - & his cell phone rested in your hand. I dug a picture out of my wallet from our double date on Christmas Eve, of you, Tucker, & Alex with the running metal men downtown, & let it fall on the bed. I also dug out the picture of you & Tucker at the Winter Formal. I cried with Nicole & Renee & Loucks, & after leaving the room, fell apart with Aspen in the hall. Hannah & Shanell & Jordan showed up later, everyone coming to say goodbye. Soon, everyone was ushered out of the room, so that they could run a few last tests; just to be sure. But the outcome was the same. The tumor, wrapped around your spinal cord at the base of your skull, had practically suffocated your brain. You were brain dead, only alive because of your beating heart.

Thursday, January 31st, 2007, they let you go. You weren't even 17 yet. It was another snow day. I remember reading it on the band website, & calling Alex to let him know. He came & picked me up & took me to his youth group, so I wouldn't be alone. The next day, few of the band kids went to class. We stayed in the band room & made you posters. The next weekend there was a memorial for you at the school, & the band played. In the spotlight, front of the stage, was your chair. Your uniform was draped over it, & your saxaphone rested in front of it.

I don't remember much of the next 4 months. Alex broke up with me just 3 days after you died, while our 2 year anniversary was only 4 days away. I had gotten accepted to WSU the week you were in the hospital, but never really celebrated. I told my parents to send in the $200 to ensure my enrollment because I knew I didn't want to stay in Spokane anymore. The band put stickers on the uniform helmets bearing your initials, & put your uniform in the main trophey case in front of the band room. Your cubby, empty of your saxophone & music, was soon filled with gifts & teddy bears & pictures. Those 4 months, Febrary - May, seem like a black spot on my memory. By the time of my 18th birthday & graduation, Alex & I were back together & I was coming together again, but I still thought about you daily.

Alex & I don't really talk anymore, & I moved out & went to WSU. I've made tons of new friends, but you're always on my mind. It's been almost a year since you died, & I don't know where I'm at in life. I went to visit you yesterday with Alex & Chris. I hardly cried, & felt so numb. I've been struggling with you & Alex so much since I left, even tho I ran away to a new city. It was difficult seeing Alex for the first time in months, as well as visiting you, in the same day. Maybe that's why I didn't hardly feel anything - because I was so conflicted in my emotions. Either way, it bothered me so much. I needed to go over every detail of the worst few months of my life, & so I found this community.

Sorry this is so long. But thanks for reading, if you do. :]


Current Mood: Healing
Tuesday, November 18th, 2008
9:56 am
i don't know why this particular morning is so emotional for me, but it is.

february 26, 2006, my godfather died.  he was more than just my godfather though.  he was my next-door neighbor, and since my dad is partially paralyzed and has dealt with addictions, he was like a second dad to my brother and i, and later, my sister.  he was probably the nicest person i have ever met.  i never once saw him upset or angry.  he was a good spirited person, honestly just a good person.

i have so many memories..  of the time my brother and i were playing in his back yard one summer and all of a sudden he rode his bike by us and off his dock into the canal in our backyards.  or the time he took a shower in the rain during hurricane bonnie.  he was a funny person, that's for sure.

unfortunately, i have to remember the time i spent living with my mom, away from home, and the day my little brother came up to me in school and told me that scott had died.  i didn't believe him.  i honestly thought he was joking.  so i ran to the band room and called my dad, who explained to me how scott died.

he'd been to the hospital a couple of days beforehand but they told him to take a few painkillers and rest.  well, it turns out he had heart failure, pneumonia, and kidney failure.  he called my dad and told my dad he didn't feel well, so my dad went over and tried to persuade him to go to the hospital with him.  he tried to tell my dad he was okay..  then he collapsed.  my dad performed CPR and called 911.  the paramedics worked on scott for 45 minutes before pronouncing him dead.

scott basically died in my dad's arms.

i wasn't around to spend time with him.  i wasn't there.  i should have been there.  i was sixteen and took life for granted.  i was so stupid. 

his funeral was beautiful.  we listened to his favorite song and sprinkled his ashes into the ocean.  i had to explain to a five year old that uncle scott was never coming back.  i cried so much.

i cried so so so much especially when i found out via phone.  all my friends started coming in the band room and i was sobbing into the phone with my dad.  it was so hard.  i didn't know what to do.  i didn't know how to comfort my dad.

and now, i miss him.  i don't know why i miss him so much today.  it's not a significant day, in any way.  i just started remembering.  and now i have to excuse myself to the bathroom so my roommate won't be disturbed by my crying while she tries to write a paper.

this turned out to be very long..  i'm sorry.
Monday, October 20th, 2008
3:44 am

hi i'm new to livejournal and was just browsing around looking for things i could relate to. about 9 months ago, my best friend passed away from the result of a car accident. i wrote alot about it in my journal just to get some things off my chest, but even after time has gone by it is still so hard. i'm 19 and we had been best friends since we were about 12. she truly was the person that kept me going on days when i wanted to give up, so now that she is gone i sometimes think i can't go on. and i thought time might make things better, but it's actually made it worse. i think about her everyday, and sometimes i still can't even fully comprehend it. but i just don't know what to do anymore. i can't find a way to deal with my pain. and i don't really want to talk to anyone around me about it because i feel like i have to be strong. i was just wondering if anyone had any ideas for ways to deal with this kind of pain, or maybe some things that i could do to celebrate her life, something you read that helped you, anything would be greatly appreciated

Tuesday, October 14th, 2008
2:20 am
my first entry
 5 weeks ago my mother died. She had melanoma, which is the most aggressive form of cancer. We found out in early july that she had a tumor in her back, and in late september she went into liver failure. october 2nd she passed away. i have never experienced a loss like this. two of my great aunts died from cancer when i was in middle school, but it is nothing like this.
it still doesnt feel real to me. every part of my life has changed but it still just isnt real yet.
im 19, and im taking care of my dad my brother, and my sister. my mother did everything around the house, and now im trying to fill her shoes, and i just feel so overwhelmed.
i dont really cry about it, though i feel like i should be. i find it very difficult to talk about it. i feel like my trying to be strong is just seeming cold even to myself.

Current Mood: confused
Monday, October 13th, 2008
12:13 am
I miss my Grandma :-(
My grandmother was truely a wonderful person. She died some years ago, while I was still a very very young boy. I think I was like 7 years old. She was the perfect person to go talk to whenever I would feel sad or alone. She would always cuddle me/hug me, make me some food and tell me that everything would be fine eventually, with time. And that I should believe that she would always look after me. Finally, she would always tell me a story, too. She made up the stories herself, FYI. They were beautiful. She was beautiful.. My grandparents' house and garden was beautiful. I miss that.. Having somewhere to go when I feel lost, left behind and lonely. I miss the comfort and the feeling of safety and the faith my grandma used to give me. Its horrible being left behind by such a wonderful person, meaning soo much to me. I know I was young, so I didn't really know her that well, but I actually remember ALOT about her, and all my memories are beautiful, except for the memory of her death.. And she was still in her 60's.. soo young.. soo unfair. I can't stop thinking about how much better and brighter my life would be if she was still around to cheer me on and comfort me.. Its hard having to deal with life on my own :'-( I hope there is a God and a heaven with peace, where I one day can be with my grandma again, sitting by a river talking about memories and feeling the smell of spring and berries.
Sunday, October 12th, 2008
4:01 am
I guess he's really not coming back. It's been a little over three weeks. He's not gonna surprise us and be okay. It's finally hit me that he's gone and I feel terrible. I miss him. I hope he's okay. He deserves to be happy. I hope he knows I won't forget about him. And how much I love him. I just hope he's okay, wherever he is. I can't believe he's really gone forever. I miss every detail of his personality, even the flaws. I would give anything for any piece of him. Sometimes, I feel like he's near me, but then I feel like I'm deluding myself to feel okay. I just miss you, Dad. So much. I love you more than you ever know.

And I guess you really do find out who your true friends are in times like this. In my case, I don't have any. None of my friends have called in a week. A week! It's been three weeks since my Dad died suddenly. The first week they all called once, then they stopped all communication. I don't understand, why aren't they there for me when I need them most? They know I just moved to a new town all alone, where I have no support system. I don't understand and am so hurt. I have nobody.
Monday, October 6th, 2008
7:07 pm
My Dad died two and a half weeks ago. I can’t believe this, and I refuse to accept it. He had a sudden and unexpected heart attack. I was away at school, all alone, when my sister told me the news. I had to fly home immediatley, still not believing it. I fee l so guilty for not appreciating him enough in life. I feel so bad for not calling him as much as he wanted me to. He was such a good person, I can’t ever get over this. I just miss him. He was only 51. I only had him for 19 years. This isn’t fair, why do other people my age get to keep their fathers but I have to lose mine so young?! He worked so hard in life, and I feel like he never really did anything fun. I hope he had a happy life. He tried so hard to make all of us happy. I’m so sorry, Dad. I love you…
Saturday, September 13th, 2008
3:55 am
i'm new here, as it only just occurred to me two minutes ago to find a community relevant to what my entire life is these days.

my family is victim to a murder-suicide, that is, my mother's murder and my stepfather's suicide. it happened on december 25, 2006 -- christmas night. i didn't celebrate christmas 2007, and i don't think i am capable of celebrating it this year. i was sixteen and living with my older sister at the time. they came over to our house for dinner, but the entire day was tense. then they went back home, and i didn't hear from them for four days. i didn't think much of it for the first couple days, because they both worked night jobs and were often tired. then the neighbours called the police.

i know it's a bit of a cliche, but i always thought i'd just know...you know? i love my mom, very much. and when you feel you love someone that much, you become convinced that your bond is one that transcends science and soundwaves and lips forming words, and that you'd just intrinsically KNOW if it broke. i didn't. and i dicked around and played videogames and overslept and neglected my homework while she bled from the perforated gunshot wound to her head. and then my stepfather turned the gun on himself.

there has been no predictable pattern to my emotional responses. there was some denial. there was a hell of a lot of anger and guilt and depression, then a period of time when i barely thought of her at all. then the relentless, devastating pain of loss, just as strong and overwhelming as the first day i found out. there was no bargaining. and there sure as hell hasn't been any acceptance. kubler-ross can jump up my ass.

my biological father, who i have only recently begun establishing a relationship with, died of a heart attack last month. this is a divine test? really? comedy is not tragedy plus time.

i'm 18, and graduated class of 08. i didn't attend the ceremony -- i don't think i would have been able to handle it.

i'm just tired, in every single sense of the word, and i don't feel like i can talk about it (even to someone i pay to listen) because i'm terrified i'll just sound like a whiny, attention-seeking teenager, that someone will tell me worse things have happened to people before (i know. i know.), that i'll lash out to well-meaning (or not) but clueless people who can't truly understand the way i need them to. oh wait, i already have.

Tuesday, September 2nd, 2008
9:52 pm
Today is....
My nephew would have turned 20 today. Makes me sad to think of how young he was when he was taken off the earth. I called my brother today and he didn't seem to be in bad spirits but he wasn't home alone yet either. I worry a lot about him. I don't know what I would do if I lost a child. I know he feels that in someway it is his fault, when it isn't. I would probably feel the same way. I really miss my nephew even though I didn't see him all the time, like I did when he was little. He was a big part of my life and more like a little brother since we were only 7 years apart in age. I find little things all the time and it makes me remember some of the memories that we had together. I guess that makes him still alive in my heart, which he will always be. I can't help but to play that last Christmas day that we shared over in my head. It is amazing how clear that day is to me since it has been almost 2 years ago.

Happy Birthday Randy, even if you are here with us to celebrate!
Wednesday, July 2nd, 2008
8:06 pm
New Member Intro
Hello everyone,

I am new to this community, just joined a few minutes ago.

I am looking for a place to share my experiences as well as be able to hear what others have gone through and what things have helped them cope with their loss.

I lost my father to murder four years ago. I was 20 at the time; he was 55. I live in the United States but my family is from a small country in Latin America. I was home on a leave of absence from school at the time, and I was blessed to be able to spend the last two months of his life with him. However, I do have to deal with great guilt because I could have chosen to study in my home country rather than in the US and would have spent more time with my father. I realize there was no way for me to know what would happen, but I struggle with my decision anyway. There are other aspects of this story that cause me great stress, fear, and sadness constantly, and I would love to be able to find people to talk to about my loss that have been through the sudden loss of a parent. My friends are sympathetic and will listen when I need them to, but it is difficult to be able to talk to somebody when I know they don't know at all how I feel. I also don't like to burden them with my feelings, so I have decided to seek groups that meet (albeit virtually) for this purpose. I am looking forward to what any of you have to say in this regard.

Thank you for the owners and moderators of this group for making it possible.


Current Mood: sad
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